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Transcript[]

(Paul is using the laptop to find out ways for him and Barry to make a fortune. He then gets the idea of selling their old stuff)

Paul: Do you know, Barry, I don't know why I didn't think about this before. Selling all our old stuff on the internet will make a fortune.

Barry: Are you sure, Paul? Looks like a load of old rubbish to me.

Paul: Nonsense! It's like a treasure trove! Here, I've got an idea. You hold the items up one by one, and I'll put a price on them.

Barry: Okay. (takes a sache of ketchup out) A small sache of ketchup?

Paul: Hmm. 1000.

Barry: £1000?

Paul: It's an antique, Barry.

Barry: It's certainly out of date.

(Paul notices the trophy)

Paul: Hey! What's that? The Five Kilometer Fun Run winner's trophy? Rotheram Primary School!

Barry: My old cup!

Paul: Get off! It's mine! My name's on it, look. It's as clear as...

(Paul tries to rub off the rust with his thumbs, but it does not come off)

Barry: Rust?

Paul: Oh, dear. It won't come off.

Barry: And when it does, it'll say "Barry Chuckle"!

Paul: It will not! I was a born athlete!

Barry: The only part of you that used to run was your nose!

Paul: Listen. When I was a lad, there's nothing I liked better than a good 5 kilometer run!

(1959 flashback, where Paul and Barry are staring at a poster for the 5km Fun Run)

Paul: Five kilometers? Barry, there's no way I'm doing that!

(Mr Swift turns up)

Mr Swift: Ah, Paul Chuckle! (Paul and Barry look at him) All ready for the big race?

Paul: Oh, er... Yes, sir!

Mr Swift: Yeah, well, I'll see you both on the starting line on Friday then, young Chuckles. And I suggest you both get into shape.

Barry: What shape, sir?

Mr Swift: Well, human shape for a start.

Paul: Five kilometers? Barry, I think we're both 'bout to get VERY ill.

Barry: Oh, dear. Should we go to the medical room, then?

Paul: No. Follow me.

(The brothers go to the garden shed they call "Chucklingham Palace". The sign says "KEEP OUT!!!" They reveal a cabinet)

Paul: Here we are! Our trusty fine cabinet! Go to work, Barry!

Barry: Excuses for their homework?

Paul: No.

Barry: Emergency sweet supply?

Paul: No.

Barry: Pets! Give us a pork chop for Wilbur.

(Paul hands Barry a pork chop)

Barry: Here you are, Wilbur. (puts it in the drawer)

(Wilbur swallows it and burps)

Barry: Amazing what snails eat, isn't it?

(Paul nods his head)

Barry: Here we are. Sick notes.

Paul: That's it! Read them out, Barry!

(Barry picks out the notes)

Barry: Blue.

Paul: No.

Barry: Stomachache!

Paul: No.

Barry: Scarlet fever. Oh, no. We had that twice last year.

Paul: Did we? How long did it last?

Barry: 'Till we went out of Dad's wet paint.

Paul: (snatches the notes from Barry) Give me those!

(Paul looks at the notes until he gets the idea)

Paul: Perfect! Broken legs!

(He stamps "Mrs Chuckle" on the note)

(Mr Swift is in his office when he hears a knock on his door)

Mr Swift: Come in.

(Barry and Paul are revealed with a broken leg, groaning in pain and using crutches to walk)

Paul: (groans) Morning, Mr Swift.

Mr Swift: Paul, Barry. What's all this?

Barry: We're very sorry, Mr Swift, but we've injured ourselves.

Paul: Uh, yes, um, training for our big race.

Barry: We overdid it.

Paul: Can't possibly run now.

Mr Swift: Hmm. That IS bad news. Looks very serious.

(Barry nods his head)

Mr Swift: Oh, well. Can't be helped. I'll tell you what, lads. Why don't you pull up a chair... (picks up his last slice of cake) ..and have this last slice of cake? Make you feel better.

(Paul and Barry remove their crutches after noticing the cake, and run towards it as fast is they can. Seeing as the lads fakes their injury, Mr Swift confiscates the remaining slice before they get their hands on it)

Mr Swift: RIGHT! I wanna see you BOTH on that starting line on Friday, or you WILL NEED CRUTCHES!!!

(Barry and Paul are seen in the playground)

Paul: Barry, I think more desperate measures are called for. It's time for a change of clothing.

Barry: But? Paul? PE's not till half past two.

Paul: Come on!

(The brothers appear disguised as "Mrs Chuckle", Barry on top of Paul. A schoolgirl is surprised to see "her".)

Paul: (Pops out from under the very tall dress) Now remember, Barry, let me do the talking.

Barry: But I'm the head!

Paul: Okay, just don't mess it up! (hides)

(Paul knocks on the door into Mr Swift's office)

Mr Swift: Come in. (eating his cake)

("Mrs Chuckle" enters)

Mr Swift: (looks up) Ah! Mrs, uh...

Barry: Chuckle.

Mr Swift: (Stands up) Mrs Chuckle. Well, I must say, you look a lot, uh, well, taller than when I last saw you at Parent's Evening.

Barry: No. Um, you've got shorter.

Mr Swift: What can I do for you?

Barry: It's Paul and Barry, Mr Swift. They've gone and got themselves very, very poorly.

Mr Swift: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that!

Barry: Yes. Entering the fun run. He's out of the question!

Mr Swift: Oh, that's a great shame. I was looking forward to seeing 'em suffer. Yes, I mean win first prize!

Paul: (from inside the dress) Prize?

Mr Swift: (looks at Paul) I'm sorry?

Barry: Um, prize?

Mr Swift: (looks at Barry again) Oh, yes! As well as the trophy the winner will recieve a year supply of, uh, Fizzy Twizzlers from our generous sponsor.

Paul: (from inside the dress) Mmm.

Mr Swift: (looks at Paul again) I'm sorry?

Barry: Mm, Mmmmmm. Tummy rumble. We've had-- I mean, I'VE had change of heart. Those boys will enter that race, even if they have every illness under the sun.

Mr Swift: That's the spirit! But they better start training now if they wanna beat our reigning champion. My son, Martin!

(Martin appears.)

Mr Swift: There you go, son! (gives Martin an brussels sprouts drink) Nothing like liquidized Brussels sprouts, keep the old heart pumping. Remember the motto!

Martin: A healthy body, is a happy body.

Mr Swift: Good. Look and learn, Mrs Chuckle. None of your junk food with my lad.

(Camera cuts back to "Chucklingham Palace, where Barry is outside waiting for Paul to finish his latest invention. Sawing can be heard)

Barry: Paul?!

Paul: MARTIN FLIPPING SWIFT!!!

(Drilling noise)

Barry: What are you up to, Paul!?

Paul: If he wins that race, I'm gonna turn HIM into a Fizzy Twizzler.

(Hammering noise)

Barry: I don't think we stand a chance against Swift. PAUL!

(CRASH!)

Barry: You alright?

(Paul opens the door, hitting Barry with it)

Paul: Never better!

(A pair of silver trainers, which Paul is holding, are later seen on Barry's feet.)

Paul: These, Barry, are my Painton Chucklematic Super Trainers.

Barry: I wish I'd never asked.

Paul: When I turn this dial here, the motor start up, and you'll be running along, faster than a jumbo jet.

(Electromagnetic noise)

Barry: What's that noise?

Paul Oh, just the electromagnetic radioactive turbo generators!

Barry: Nothing complicated, then.

Martin: (Walks towards Barry and Paul) Well, well, well! If it isn't the Super Chuckles. (looks at Barry's trainers) What are they made out of? Two pie dish and a bit of loo roll?

Paul: Actually, these shoes are powered by electric motors. From my mum's washing machine!

Martin: You can wash my shorts after I try and shoot. (Runs off) Can't stop! Off on a little jog!

Paul: Where to?

Martin: Birmingham.

Paul: We'll soon catch him up, Barry. You ready?

Barry: No.

Paul: Good! (turns up the dial, activating Barry's shoes)

Barry: Whoaaaaaaaa-aaaaah! (spins around quickly instead of running) Wooooooo-oooo-ooo-ooooo-oooo!

(Paul tries to slow down the trainers)

Barry: Woooooahhhh! Uhhhhh-ooo!

(The remote malfunctions, causing Barry to fly into the air and land in wet cement. Paul runs over to check if Barry's all right.)

Paul: Barry! You alright?!

(Barry groans.)

Paul: You know how I said I used the washing machine motor?

Barry: Yeah.

Paul: It must have been on spin cycle.

Barry: Oh...

(Back to 2009)

Paul: Okay, so there was a technical fault. But they were still quick!

Barry: You said I'd go as fast as a jumbo jet. And I landed here.

(The cement is now dry, still with Barry's fragment visible)

Paul: But it was just a set back. I still won the race.

Barry: I won!

Paul: I won!! It was done on the day of the race. I was in pit condition, primed, super fit!

(He and Barry nearly fall in the cement, but avoid it and carry on to find the real winner)

(Back to 1959 again (Friday), where the race finally is commencing)

Mr Swift: (on megaphone) On your marks, boys and girls, for the Rotherham Primary School Five Kilometer Fun Run. (As Paul tries to tuck into his hot dog) AND PUT THAT FILTHY HOT DOG DOWN, CHUCKLE, THERE!!!!!!!!!!

(Swift confiscates Paul's hot dog and puts it in Martin's face)

Mr Swift: Don't look at it, Son. (puts the hot dog down) You stick to your liquidized Brussels sprouts. (hands Martin the drink) A healthy body...

Martin: ..is a happy body.

Mr Swift: Good. (on megaphone) ON YOUR MARKS!

Paul: Look at those Fizzy Twizzlers, Barry. Can't wait to get me gnashers 'round them.

Barry: But how, Paul? Our invention didn't work! We haven't got a chance against Swift.

Mr Swift: (on megaphone) Get SET!

Paul: Don't worry, Barry. I've got a few things up me sleeve.

Barry: You haven't got any sleeves.

Mr Swift: (on megaphone) And.....GO!!!!!!!

(The runners set off, as whistles blow and cheering and applause can be heard. Paul and Barry, who are far behind, screech to a halt.)

Paul: This SmartTooth ChuckleNav will give us all the shortcuts we need, Barry!

(ChuckleNav beeps)

Paul: Follow me!

(He and Barry enter a house, and inside is an old lady who is watching a marathon on TV.)

TV: ..back and get his sword. Well, they're still enjoying it for the moment, let's hope they do, all the way through.

(Barry and Paul walk by the old lady.)

TV: The weather, wonderful for those who are watching, perhaps a little warm...

(Paul turns back, nicks a piece of sandwich, and leaves along with Barry)

TV: ..for many of them once they get a few miles into their belt. They'll be hoping, sir...

(Paul and Barry stop again)

Paul: What did I tell ya? We're 200 meters ahead already! Now for Plan B. Who's for swapsies? (picks up the blue "BEWARE POND AHEAD" sign from the right) To you!

Barry: To me! (grabs the blue sign)

Paul: To me! (grabs the yellow "FUN RUN" sign from the left)

Barry: To you!

(Paul puts the yellow sign on the right and Barry puts the blue sign on the left. Martin quickly runs up, not knowing that the signs are mixed up. Barry and Paul quickly hide behind the tree to prevent him from knowing who did it. Martin turns right, only to land in the pond. So do the Barker twins.)

Paul: The Barker Twins!

(Big Eddie lands in the pond too.)

Paul: That be Big Eddie!

(Mr Swift doesn't know the signs are mixed up either and also falls into the pond. SPLASH!)

Paul: AND Mr Swift. Right, the coast should be clear.

(The Chuckle Brothers get up)

Paul: See, Barry? We're leading.

Martin: (turns up) Nice try, Chuckles, but I happen to be 5 kilometer swimming champion as well!

(Martin runs off; Swift turns up.)

Mr Swift: What are you two up to?! Get back to the race! A healthy body, IS A-- you'll never mind.

(The brothers sneak back to the same house, where the old lady is now painting a picture of her flowers. Paul finishes its remainder, and he and Barry leave.)

Barry: (seeing Paul put up a fake tunnel for a shortcut to the fun run) What are you up to now, Paul? Swift'll catch us up in a minute.

Paul: That one painting gave me an idea.

Barry: I was afraid of that.

(Paul reveals the fake tunnel)

Paul: We'll never outrun Swift. So watch him as he knocks himself out as his sprints into the wall! What could be simpler than that!

Barry: I can think of someone simpler than that.

(Martin runs up again. Paul and Barry hide in front of the fence, but Martin teleports through the "tunnel"! Much to their dismay, Paul and Barry walk up to the tunnel, unaware about Martin's disappearance. Swift turns up again)

Barry: Look out! Mr Swift!

(He and Paul hide again, worried that Swift might teleport, too. However, he doesn't! He bumps into the fake tunnel and falls over. Barry and Paul are puzzled and quickly leave to prevent Mr Swift from noticing them. They walk up to the Old Lady again.)

Old Lady: Come on, boys! Come on, you're doing well! Great! (Paul takes a cup of water) Have a drink. (So does Barry) Alright? Off you go. Good luck!

(Cuts back to Martin, who is in the lead again)

Mr Swift: Well done, son! (hands Martin the liquidized Brussels Sprouts) Remember! A healthy body!

Martin: I know, Dad! (Swift leaves)

(Camera pans to Barry and Paul, disguised as hot dog vendors.)

Paul: (shouts) Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! (whispers to Barry) If there's one thing that'll definitely stop Swift in his tracks, it's a good old hot dog.

Barry: They're plump! They're juicy! They're hotter! Than a sausage dog! In Benadum!.

Paul: Get the sint wafting out, Barry. Much tastier than sprouts!

(Barry shakes his fan around to signal Martin. Paul smiles with the hot dog in his hand. Martin throws the Liquidized Brussels Sprouts away and eats the hot dog)

Paul: (whispers again) To the finishing line, Barry. In the name of Fizzy Twizzlers.

(He and Barry run as fast as they can towards the finish line. The camera pans to the shiny trophy.)

Paul: This is it, Barry! 1,000 Fizzy Twizzlers!

Barry: Yummy! That's, um... 500 each!

(they stop)

Paul: 500 each? Are you kidding?! I'm getting the whole thousand!

Barry: Hey, that's not fair!

Paul: I came up with all the ideas.

Barry: Yes, but none of 'em worked!

Paul: The hot dog plan worked. What are you talking about!?

Barry: That was MY idea!

Paul: No, it wasn't!

Barry: Yes, it was. I said, "Let's fill him up with hot dogs, so he can't..."

Paul and Barry: "..finish the race." (Martin overtakes them) QUICK!

(All three of them cross the finish line at the same time at the end. Cuts back to 2009 again.)

Paul: Then across the winning line to the sounds of thunderous cheers.

(Paul imagines his name being on the trophy. Cuts back to 1959, where Paul crosses the line first, much to Mr Swift's horror. Back to 2009 again.)

Barry: Rubbish! It was me who crossed the line first!

(1959, Barry crosses the line first, much to Paul's horror. 2009 again.)

Paul: Oh, we'll see about that! We'll go in the shop and get cleaned and see whose name's on the trophy.

(Paul and Barry walk into the M.Swift Trophies shop. A mysterious man is cleaning the trophy. "WINNER" is revealed completely.)

Martin: Nearly done, the gentlemen. I'm using a special solution combining turpentine, with a dash of alkaline--

Paul: Yes, yes, yes, yes! We don't need to know what you're cleaning it with, just hurry up.

(The trophy cleaner reveals an A.)

Barry: Look! I can see an A! See, it MUST say "Barry Chuckle".

Paul: Hang on! Paul's got an A in it as well, you know.

(The name "MARTIN" is revealed)

Martin: SO'S MARTIN.

(The remainder of the trophy is cleaned, revealing "SWIFT")

Paul: Martin...Swift?!

Barry: So he won!

Martin: That's right, gentlemen! I WON!

(Last 1959 flashback. Barry and Paul are still arguing, and Martin crosses the finish line first, much to Mr Swift's excitement. Cuts back to 2009 again)

Paul: You? You're Martin Swift?

(Martin takes off his safety goggles)

Martin: My cup. (stands up and points at the trophy) THIS is my cup. And where are my Fizzy Twizzlers? I've been waiting 40 YEARS FOR THEM!!

Paul: (very puzzled) They were very nice, weren't they, Barry?

Barry: Very fizzy.

Paul: Leg it, Barry!

(He and Barry run out of the shop as fast as they can, Martin slams the trophy onto the table and follows them.)

Paul: He'll never catch us.

Martin: Oh, no? Well, I've got bad news for you lads.

Paul: Oh, yeah?

Martin: Unlike you, I kept up me training! (takes a sip of his Liquidized Brussels Sprouts again) A healthy body...

Paul and Barry: ..is a happy body. We know!

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