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The Maltby Falcon
The Maltby Falcon

Series Number:


Episode Number:


Original Airdate:

January 26th 2000

Written by:

John Sayle

Guest Starring:

Simon Harvey as Comrade Evenoff
Brian Patton as the Antique Shopkeeper

Previous Episode:

"King of the Mill"

Next Episode:

"Mayor Today, Gone Tomorrow"

The Chuckle Brothers end up getting involved in an international jewel smuggling racket.


Paul and Barry are looking after their Auntie Hilda's flat while she is away at a cake baking seminar.

Paul accidentally leaves a stain on the shelf under her mirror which makes the brothers panic as Auntie Hilda loves everything to be absolutely perfect and even one tiny stain makes her very angry. They also remember that she hurled them out of the window previously just for leaving a crumb on her couch, so they decide to get her a present to put on top of the stain to cover it up.

Meanwhile, in an antiques shop nearby, Comrade Evenoff has hidden a priceless jewel inside a statue of a blue beaked Maltby falcon. He gives it to the nervous shopkeeper and gives him instructions on what to say as a password when Comrade Jenkoff arrives to collect the statue. The shopkeeper writes the information down so that nothing will go wrong.

Later the brothers go into that same shop and Barry notices the bird statues. Interested in buying one for Auntie Hilda, he picks up the statue, and reads the password out loud that the shopkeeper had carelessly left next to it on a piece of paper. As a result, the shopkeeper believes Barry to be the man who has come to collect the jewel, so gives him the statue. After the brothers leave the shop, Evenoff returns and says that Jenkoff has been delayed. When the shopkeeper says that someone has already taken the bird, he is furious.

When the brothers arrive back at the flat, they discover from an antiques magazine that the bird they were given for a low sum is actually a valuable antique. Paul gets greedy and wants to keep the bird for himself, but Barry thinks it isn't honest and wants them to take it back. Paul goes back to the shop to buy the other blue-beaked falcon at a low price, while Barry leaves with the original statue to return it to the shop.

The shopkeeper goes the to address on the card that Paul and Barry had given him while Evenoff looks after the shop, Paul comes in and buys the other blue-beaked Maltby falcon from him. The shopkeeper returns and bumps into Barry who gives him the original bird back and in return the shopkeeper gives him red beaked maltby falcons as a present for his aunt.

Evenoff is pleased and checks the statue to make sure the jewel is safe, but finds it empty. They suddenly realise that there was more than one blue-beaked statue and the one Evenoff sold to Paul must have contained the jewel.

Barry returns and is cross with Paul for buying another one and deceiving the shopkeeper, and decides to take that one back as well. Although he tells Paul that the shopkeeper gave him free red-beaked falcons instead as a present, Paul is dismissive since the red-beaked falcons are worthless: only the blue-beaked ones are valuable. Barry therefore uses a permanent marker to colour the red beaks blue. The duo leave the red beaked birds (with blue-coated beaks) on the shelf before leaving the flat. Meanwhile, Evenoff and the shopkeeper leave the shop in order to go back to Paul and Barry's flat to retrieve the other blue-beaked bird.

When the brothers arrive at the shop, there is no one around so they go home, having left the blue-beaked bird on the shop counter. However, while Barry is not looking, Paul gets greedy again and takes the other bird back off the counter, and back with him as well. Evenoff and the shopkeeper take the birds from the flat and return to the shop and not only find both of them empty but that they were really birds with red beaks, with the blue merely coloured on them. Evenoff is even more furious and decides to matters into his own hands.

They return to the flat and after messing it up and blackmailing Paul by threatening to stain the couch, Paul reveals that he hid the blue-beaked bird in a shopping bag that Barry was using to buy some fish and chips. Barry returns and after seeing Paul threatened, gives them the bag.

They finally find the jewel, but at the same moment Auntie Hilda returns home, Evenoff and the shopkeeper scoff thinking that she is a weak woman who can't stop them, but then they see Paul and Barry's aunt as a giant hulking figure and become terrified. After that they are presumably arrested.

Later Paul accidentally stains the couch which angers their aunt who hurls them both out of the window. They are unhurt and walk home.


  • The episode name, and much of the plot, is a pun/parody of the Dashiell Hammett novel The Maltese Falcon.
  • The exterior of the antiques shop was filmed at The Jays antiques shop, at 27-29 High St UB9 6AZ in Uxbridge. However, the shop has since changed names.
  • This was Simon Harvey's first appearance on the show, he would play many other villains including Robespierre in later episodes.